A week ago when I got an invitation to attend a surprise bachelorette party for my friend this weekend, I was sure I’d have a baby by now. BUT, if for some god awful reason I was still preggers by the time the party rolled around, I figured the “live entertainment” – read: STRIPPER – would send me straight into labor! So I was all about it! I was told recently on Twitter that the key to having your water break and going into labor is to have someone make me laugh really hard. And what better occasion to be laughing my ass off than to watch some sweaty stripper rub his sock filled G-string all over the bride-to-be? This will be GREAT! I even told my husband it would be a good idea for him to drive me to the party and just wait in the car for when I’m being rushed out bent over in labor pain! Unfortunately, I had no such freaking luck.
During the pleasure party portion of the event, I struck up a nice conversation with one of the other ladies about having babies; her experience at the same hospital I’m delivery at, what to look out for, postpartum expectations, etc. We talked about the miracle of childbirth and how you’ll never love someone so much until you first hold your baby – all while passing dildos and bullets (if you don’t know, Google it) between us onto the next person in the circle!
Then it was time for the *entertainment*. I just prayed that no one got any ideas about pointing the stripper towards the pregnant girl for a lap dance or anything. Any time you’ve got a room full of women and a stripper, 9 times out of 10 the stripper will go for 1) the Bride and 2) the shy girl in the corner desperately avoiding eye contact – i.e. the PREGNANT GIRL! Because hey, it’s funny to watch people squirm right? Well sure enough, the stripper had to give preggo a little special attention. Ugh! I tried to smile through it, but when I saw the pictures that were of course snapped like the paparazzi during these 30 seconds of discomfort, my face looks like I just ate a mouth full of Sour Patch Kids! Ha! But despite mama’s discomfort, the baby seemed to be enjoying herself. The music that pounded through these massive speakers that the stripper brought in certainly replicated the feeling of being at da club and obvy little girl could hear it plain as day! She particularly liked the song “SHOTS” by LMFAO! Girlfriend was dancing all over the place in my tummy! Finally, 6 hours later, after waiting around to enjoy a piece of the vanilla, butter cream and fondant penis cake, I was on my way home. Still pregnant, no labor pains – just ringing ears.
I still have one week until my due date, so I should really save the drama filled “I’m still pregnant post” until I’m beyond my due date, but honestly, I just thought for sure I’d be a mama by now. Like I said; pretty much every single person I’ve talked to went early with their first baby, so I was sure the same would happen to me. Come to find out, it’s actually more common for first time moms to be on time or late in delivering their baby – not early. I must’ve just been talking to a lot of freaks of nature lucky women who went early.
Baby bump watch CONTINUES – week 39!
Pretty much all Babycenter.com says this week is that baby is just “waiting to greet the world.” But every day she’s just getting fatter to help control her body temperature after birth. Yet another reason I want to have the baby now – I don’t want to be on the evening news for birthing the largest baby in Contra Costa County! The good news is that at my 38 week doctor appointment last Friday there is some progress being made on the birthing front, so this is good. Now it’s just a matter of time.
Tomorrow night my husband and I have a dinner date at the local pizza parlor where apparently they have this “Preggo Pizza” that has been known to stimulate labor –with 43 documented success stories on their website of women giving birth the same day or next day after consuming this pizza concoction! In fact, my childbirth preparation instructor from a few weeks ago is among this crowed! She told us the story of the preggo pizza and how she was delivering her baby the next day! Crossing my fingers that this pizza can work its magic on me!! We’ll see! 🙂