My anxiety over going back to work in TWO WEEKS is getting worse with each passing day. I don’t know where the hell the time has gone, but not too long ago 4 months of maternity leave sounded like an eternity. And now it’s coming to an end. *WAAAH* I know this sounds so cheesy, but my heart literally hurts when I think about leaving little Annabelle for 9-10 hours a day when I return to work. I try to put the thought out of my mind, but the date is coming fast and furious. *rubs face*
Thus, this is the dilemma that every mom must face – to go back to work or quit their job.
My problem is that I want both worlds. I hate this feeling of an end in sight…like this special little time in our lives is coming to a close. When my mind goes to these deep, dark places – I wanna kiss corporate America goodbye and trade smiley faces with my baby all day.
I think about what our days would be like if I was a stay at home mom (SAHM). The highlights of my days would be going to the gym – which it is now. Aside from the gym, each day would include one task, like going to the grocery store for dish soup or some other mundane item, which I do now. I’d watch Hoda & Kathie Lee at 10am and Access Hollywood at noon. I’d be in a mom’s group, which I am now. And I’d spend the rest of my time strolling around my local shopping Mecca and blowing money I no longer make. The major plus side to this scenario is that I get to spend all my time with my Annie B. I won’t miss anything. There will be no daycare lady telling me how my baby rolled over or crawled for the first time – I’ll see it with my own two eyes. This sounds so nice.
But I also think about how not working would personally affect me. I feel like having my own career and continuing to challenge myself and grow new skills gives me confidence. I come home and instead of it being a one-way conversation about work — like it is right now with my husband — I have my own stories to tell. I enjoy the social time I have at work with people who have become friends in addition to coworkers. And of course, it’s nice to have a reason to get dressed up every day and flat iron my hair.
Truth be told, I feel like I’ve lost a little bit of myself since having a baby. All I think or care about is my baby. Since I don’t do anything besides play with Annabelle, watch TV, work out, and go to a mom’s group; all I talk about is my baby. And to be honest, I need some more going on in my life. That might sound bad to say but it’s true. So in that regard, going back to work will be good for me. But I still hate the idea of it.
I guess this is just part of being a mom. It’s never going to be perfect. You’re either working and feeling guilty and missing your baby. Or you’re spending all your days in babyland and yearning for a little more adult interaction and ‘me’ time. Like I said; I want the best of both worlds. Luckily, I’m only working part time for the rest of November and December, returning to full-time in January. So I have time to ease into it. I can be a working girl Tuesday through Thursday and a SAHM on Mondays and Fridays. This sounds good enough to me for now. But there’s no two ways about it; that first day back to work is going to suuuuuuck. My husband is going to have to pull me away from daycare kicking and screaming. I don’t even want to think about it anymore. It’s so depressing. *WAAAAAHHHH*