picstitchI’ve spent the last week clearing out Annabelle and Leo’s closets and getting rid of outgrown clothes to sell at a large biannual baby/toddler/maternity consignment sale in my area. My husband is always bugging me to find something to do to make a little extra money, so I thought getting rid of old baby stuff was a great way to earn some fast cash. Plus, it always feels good to purge.

Sure, purging outdated work clothes, going out clothes from my 20’s (time to let it go, mama), or a stack of super flare legged jeans ‘aint no thang. But when it came to purging my babies’ clothes, I was not prepared for how emotionally conflicted I would be. I figured I would set aside a couple of my favorite pieces that held a special memory for safekeeping, but I found myself wanting to set aside like, almost all of it. Uh……..why do I want to keep this stuff? Could it be for…um…a third baby?

*Clears throat*

photo(75)I mean, it’s not like I necessarily want a third child per se, but there’s something about selling all these baby clothes that gives me pause. I don’t mind getting rid of Annabelle’s toddler clothes because they’re worn out due to plenty of use. But when I pulled out four boxes of her baby clothes that I had been keeping for a second little girl, it was like opening a treasure box of memories. Those delicate newborn pieces in pristine condition, like the rock ‘n roll tutu killed me. The tiny “Daddy’s Princess” onesie with a monkey on the butt practically drew a tear from my eye. How can I give this stuff up? It feels like I’m closing the chapter on baby Annabelle and it TUGS. ON. MY. HEART. STRINGS.

Is selling all this stuff just making me feel sentimental for my babies, or is there another one in me that makes me want to keep it for future use?

I’ve always said I want two kids, a boy and a girl. That’s how I grew up and a family of four just made everything simple. No waiting on a table for five at a restaurant; no extra plane ticket purchases which would’ve made traveling as a family harder; and no extra kid competing for attention.

photo(76)After I got married there was a joke in the family that because Jeff is such a brash, Type A guy with no sisters that God would bless him with three daughters. That always sounded so funny picturing Jeff as a total fish out of water dealing with girls, girls, girls. Then we had Annabelle and I thought; here we go with the girls! But much to our delight our little man Leo came along next. Leo has been a total revelation in terms of me being squarely in the moment as I was falling in love with him. I think that rush of new euphoric love that grows with each passing day is a bit of an addicting feeling, and I wouldn’t mind feeling it again with a possible third kiddo. As much as I love my little family of four, I guess in a way I feel like there might be someone missing.

I’ve really tried to be super present this time around with Leo, thoroughly enjoying the baby stage and breastfeeding, and not even minding 4am feedings. I guess I’ve been thinking of him as probably my last child so I really want to enjoy and embrace every last second I can squeeze out of his infancy. When I think about it like that it makes me sad that I will never be pregnant again, because I really loved being pregnant. And I love itty bitty babies. I can’t get enough of the tiny bubbies, they’re too precious, too sleepy, too snuggly for words. I want another one of those and just keep them little forever, like a puppy. Ha!

BUT, I must remind myself that having a third child is way more than just the pregnancy and baby stage. There’s a whole life there; this baby will eventually grow up to be a teenager — for seven whole years.

You know when you know, I guess

They say you know when your family is complete and I can’t definitively say mine is complete yet. My husband will say he’s done but he seems easily swayed, so I think if I really wanted another he’d go with it. Of course he’s looking at everything from a dollar and cents perspective. Mo’ kids, mo’ money. I just want to see how it feels to gain some independence from Leo once we stop breastfeeding at one year. When I get my body back and I can freely drink as much wine as I’d like without feeling like I’m going to get my kid tipsy, maybe I’ll be over having more kids. Do you like how I’m weighing how much fun it is to binge drink vs. having a third child? These are legitimate concerns, people.

Am I just being a sappy mommy wanting to hoard my kid’s baby things, or do I really want a third kid? I called my mom for advice to see if I should consign my baby gear or hold off for a year until I’m a little further out from Leo’s baby stage.  Can you believe she told me I should just sell it and be done with it? Ya, says the mom who still has EVERY SINGLE doll and stuffed animal I ever had as a kid in large moving boxes in my childhood bedroom. Mom, it’s time to purge my Teddy Ruxspin with Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’ in the tape deck. You could probably get some money selling that on Ebay, it’s practically an antique!

I ended up deciding last night that I wasn’t quite ready to part with all these physical memories of my kid’s first weeks and months of life. If I feel like I’m done in six months to a year I can consign then. This stuff doesn’t go out of style, so why rush it?

Moms with three kids; was it harder going from one to two kids, or two to three? Is being outnumbered by children as exhausting as it sounds?

 

 

 

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