potty training2The most hated parenting stage of all time, past, present, and future will most definitely be potty training for me. Annabelle dating boys and having to talk about the birds and the bees, or sending her to college will be like cake walks to potty training. I will recount our days of me running her to the potty with straight fear in my eyes on her wedding day. I will literally stand up with a microphone with her in a white dress and go on and on about how she killed me slowly and painfully with her potty training lethargy. And then I will talk about how I’m so glad I don’t have to run her to the potty in her beautiful dress. It’ll all be freaking hilarious. She won’t mind.

Kidding. It will not be death by mortification on her wedding day for Miss AB. As her loving mother, I will continue to run her 36 lb. butt to the potty, clean shitty panties, and wipe her 3 year old ass like it’s my freagin’ job, coz it is. Have I had a couple of beers tonight? Yes. That is why I feel so free to discuss this issue. I’m so flippin’ over potty training; it’s like way the hell under me. God help meh. I’m done.

I just read this potty training timeline post from Babycenter and I’m thinking maybe I just need to back away. Shut the heck up. Let her piss and poo in her pants if she wants, and see what happens. Seriously, I’m wildly curious what would happen if I didn’t take her to the bathroom over my shoulder all day long. Would she even go at all on her own? I have no clue. I’m dying to know. Has all my blood, sweat, and tears been in vain? Has she been doing me a favor by going in the potty, when all along all she really wants to do is sit in it and watch E.T.?

This is the scenario that plays out every day:

Me: Annabelle, do you have to go potty?

Annabelle: No.

Me: Let’s go (throws her over my shoulder)

Annabelle: (Throws head back) Coz I don’t wanna go potty. WAH wah wahhhhhh.

Me: I’ll give you an M&M if you go pee pee for mommy.

Annabelle: (the sound of urine instantly going into the potty)

Why oh why does she cry her face off about not wanting to go potty, but can pee on a dime when I bribe her? What gives? As I’ve said in previous posts, her indifference in going in the potty or her pants is beyond me.

I know the experts say I should handle accidents with calm and patience, but I don’t handle them with calm and patience, especially not poop. I handle it all wrong, I’m sure. I get super frustrated and I want her to know this is NOT OK. I jump around like a freaking monkey showing her the dirty undies and telling her how gross it is and how that’s for babies. And she pretends I’m not doing anything at all and she just smiles and makes a series of silly faces to ward off my ape shit behavior. And would you believe even in my darkest hour as a potty training mother, I still have to stifle a damn laugh when she makes these silly faces at me in my anger? I need a chill pill for realz. And a beer. A beer and chill pill sounds NICE.

So I know that she understands the whole concept of potty training. She knows she’s supposed to go pee pee in the potty and ideally, poo poo, but she’s lazy as hell and doesn’t really feel like going on her own. Sometimes I wonder if she just simply doesn’t need to go every 45 minutes and I should relax on the number of times I’m taking her. But once you’ve cleaned up a pee pee or poo poo panty, you’re all kinds of hyper sensitive to her messing her pants again. So you’re on her like stick on glue.

potty training1She’s actually pretty good about going pee pee in the potty. About 95% of the time I either have to tell her to go or physically take her, but at least her batting average of success vs. accidents is pretty good. It’s the pooping in the panties that drives me bat-shit-crazy. I just simply don’t get it. She literally jumps for joy and says I DID IT; I DID IT, when she does go #2 in the potty. And then I throw her a GD party in the bathroom and we hug. So why the hell does she continue to dukey in her pants? IDK, I just dk.

All I’d heard about potty training was this magic trick of it taking 3 days, and I’m here to say that is one thousand percent bullshit / hogwash / urban legend — as far as I’m concerned. So this Babycenter article made me feel a little better saying that it usually takes 3-6 months to potty train. We’re entering in the 5th month here, so I’m praying this is almost behind us.

What it all comes down to is that I want her to go on her own. I want her to pick herself up off the couch and go to the bathroom when she needs to go. And obviously I want her to go #2 in the potty because I literally cannot handle many more poos in the panties. Mamas freaking tired. Mommy also has a crawling baby to attend to. I want my big girl to just get it already. And I’m thinking a break is in order, but it’s hard to throw away all our good progress.

How did you mamas handle potty training tots that just aren’t getting it within the magical 3 day timeframe? What tips do you all have for getting this girl trained once and for all? HELP A SISTAH OUT!

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