I have been thinking about how I’d share the news that I’m pregnant… again… unexpectedly… at 38… for a long time. Basically most of the summer I’ve been quietly adjusting to the craziest news ever, trying to wrap my head around starting all over again with the baby stage. I thought the time to do these things had passed for me, yet here we are at the starting line of a fragile new life in the making. I’ve been feeling ALL THE FEELINGS in the past two months so I thought I’d go ahead and share The 4 Emotions You May Experience With a Surprise Pregnancy… [Insert: in your late thirties…when you thought you were done, etc.!]
When you realize it’s been exactly 30 days since your last period and you still haven’t started, and you know you’re more like an every 28-dayer… Sorry to the guys who read this blog for the TMI (Also, hi, thanks for reading my blog!).
Omigawd… I should’ve started by now… Oh jeez, our anniversary! This isn’t happening…
In case you’re wondering, which you probably are, I haven’t been on the pill for about two years. The reason is because I simply forgot to fill my prescription one month, and then 3 days went by and I kept forgetting, so I had to wait a month to start a new pack. Then the next month came and by this point I was out of practice with taking it, so I forgot again! I had been on the pill for so long that I kind of liked the idea of being off of it for a while and clearing out artificial hormones from my body. Plus, a tiny part of me wanted to leave the door slightly cracked for a third kid.
Truth be told, I have never had that ultimate feeling of “doneness” with kids. I have always had a low grade baby fever ever since having my son, Leo, nearly 5 years ago. Bless his heart, Leo was a hand full as a baby and a toddler, so I kept putting off the prospect of a 3rd kid. And then it got to the point where it felt like perhaps it was getting too late to even consider it anymore. Not going to lie, I had dreams about having a baby and being pregnant quite a bit. Like, more than someone who is definitely done having kids probably has! That being said; once I turned 38 in March I began to feel like the moment had passed. Both my kids were going to be in school full time this year and I was finally going to focus on putting all my energy back into my career.
Though I wasn’t on the pill we were always actively avoiding, never trying to get pregnant. As much as I thought about a third, I didn’t think I could actually declare I wanted to get pregnant, and the thought of going back to square one with a kid was daunting. I think I was remembering all the fun and cute stuff about pregnancy and baby and not thinking about the hard stuff… so when I actually thought about the hard stuff the whole idea became less appealing. Pouring a glass of wine sounded a lot easier! 🙂 By the time this summer rolled around I had decided to close the door on a third child and be happy with what I have. I made a doctor’s appointment in June to get back on the pill in July. And then on June 30th I discovered I was pregnant. (I think God had other plans!)
When I saw the word “PREGNANT” on the pregnancy test I said: “OMIGAWD JEFF I’M PREGNANT,” and I literally face planted down on my bed and started bawling. I blamed Jeff for doing this to me (LOL) and shed tears for all the social events this summer that involved wine and how I wasn’t going to be able to partake the way I’d planned. Don’t judge, I’m 38 and had made the mindset shift that I was done! Plus, I like my white wine! I cried for the freedom I was just beginning to experience with both kids in school… I cried for the big dreams I had for embarking on a creative career path… I cried because I had just joined Orange Theory and… can you do Orange Theory when you’re pregnant? I cried for ALL. THE. THINGS.
Insecurity about pregnancy at my age…
I hate to even admit this, but I want to be completely transparent in the emotions I experienced… I felt insecure that people were going to judge and think I was too old to be pregnant again. After all, it’s considered “advanced maternal age” to be pregnant after 35. I know, I KNOW I shouldn’t care what people think. But I just felt like this was so out of left field coming from me that people would be like WAIT, WHA? Ole girl is pregnant?! It’s taken me a while to get to a place of not letting that bother me anymore. In fact, Jeff asked the ultrasound technician at our 8 week ultrasound if we were too old to be doing this again… and the technician said; “Oh heavens no, I have a few ladies in here right now that are over 50! And there’s a whole slew of gals in their 40s coming in pregnant right now. You’re fine!” I felt much better after that…like look at me, a total youngin’ in here having a baby so soon! Haha!
ANXIETY….EEKS, sleepless nights…
I’ve basically been compartmentalizing the pregnancy from the baby at this point. It’s how I’m able to come to terms with the surreal-ness of it all. I picture preggy fashion, having a fit pregnancy, and the joys of eating whatever I want for 9 months. *SQUEE* 🙂 But when I picture those sleepless nights, the constant exhaustion, that living-in-sweatpants-life, breastfeeding pain and pumping, starting over with play dates and potty training – OMG I CAN’T BREATHE THE ANXIETY IS REAL!
I literally feel short of breath when I think too much along those lines, so I’m taking one day and one week at a time. Just over here relishing my last pregnancy, finally knowing for sure that this is indeed my last.
Sweet little beer belly I MEAN BABY BUMP 🙂
BLESSED…because of my kids…
You guys, this is the part where I share the overwhelming feeling that trumps all the other feelings I’ve experienced above. I feel incredibly BLESSED to be able to share this experience with my kids, Annabelle (7) and Leo (almost 5). Every single day for the last year my kids have asked for another sibling. Leo wants a baby brother and Annabelle is desperate for a sister. I started to feel bad that I was never going to make their wishes come true. The incredible heart swell of love and bonding that I have experienced with my kids since sharing the news with them at 8 weeks is a revelation… something that I was not expecting. There’s so much to share here… including the sweet video that I took when we told them the news. Their reaction is priceless! I’m not rushing this pregnancy along like I have in the past, because I want to enjoy every conversation with my kids about the baby growing inside my tummy. I want to cherish every time they lie their heads on my belly during bedtime stories and a goodnight song. I want to freeze time.
In my next blog post I will share how we shared the news with Annabelle and Leo, the fun dynamic of being pregnant with older kids as opposed to having toddlers, and how I plan to share my pregnancy journey for the third time on the blog. I have some fun new ideas! For those of you new to this blog, you may enjoy reading my pregnancy diaries for my first two kids here. I have enjoyed reading them back from time to time, they crack me up! That’s all for now, I hope you come back and follow along on this crazy, weird, and special experience with me. If you have any questions on discovering a surprise pregnancy, being pregnant in your late 30s, or any other preggo related topic please post in the comments! Or feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I love blog mail! Oh and I should mention I am 13 weeks and officially in my second trimester, so crazy!!
Photography by Natalie McIntire Photography. You can also follow Natalie on Facebook and Instagram!
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